Saturday, May 6, 2017

Out of Control - When Things Are Chaos

I haven't really planned out this post (not that I normally do) - so if it comes across as messy and hard to read, just know that I'm trying only to get my thoughts out on a page so I can free up the space in my mind and reduce how much I'm worrying about everything lately. It is for you to read and maybe learn from, but it's more so for me to just vent and get myself under control.

This week has been crazy - perhaps not everyone would agree, but for me it's been challenging. At the start of the week, the power went off for quite some time. I found myself freaking out about all the little things that are so insignificant. No hot water, no internet, no power to charge the phones, no alarm clock, no heater, no fans. Who cares? I do apparently. It made me panic; I still don't fully understand why disruption to my daily routine bothers me so much, but it does. When things aren't under control, I feel anxious and worried and want to fix it right away. Heavens, I would do terrible back in the 18th century with my beloved Victorian characters from Austen or Bronte, etc.

Happily enough for me, the power came back on a few hours later (not the expected 3 days like we were told by Hydro). I had a few days of ok-ness, and then yesterday I came home from work to find that the flooding in our area had blown out our water main, flooded parts of the driveway, and was threatening to take out our two bridges.

Additionally, our dam that we use for irrigation purposes ... our concrete dam... it blew apart from the water. I literally watched massive chunks of concrete get catapulted down our normally adorable, tiny little creek as if they were angry weapons on their way to destroy the world. The sound was deafening and surreal - this grinding, crunching, terrifying noise coming from somewhere far beneath the turbid, muddy depths. I thought I'd be able to take a dip in the creek to serve as a shower/bath (because the water to the house is gone) but when I saw that I was like, "Nope nope nope nope ALL THE NOPES." I mean, who wants to get flayed alive by a creek? I swear, if someone dips in that water, massive rocks will break their bones. It's insanely dangerous. 

Thankfully, my dad was able to get in touch with a guy who has a big excavator. We were able to remove trees that were swept down the creek and blocking up the flow - and I guess they also dug out a safety area to protect whatever is left of our cistern for water (I haven't heard the update about whether it's salvageable). I also believe they were working on the area where the dam used to be, to try and prevent further damage to the irrigation pipes. 

Anyway, so last night I was freaking out about all of this damage and how we have no water at all in the house (other than what we can bring over from town). A friend of mine was telling me not to freak out because God has it in control - my mom was mad at me for being irrational and so forth - and I was in bed hyperventilating because everything was out of control. I fell asleep praying and hoping things would be better in the morning. 

When I woke up, at first I didn't remember what had happened, but then I felt how sticky and smelly I was from not having a shower the night before (ew - I know, I'm cringing with you too) and I started panicking again, wishing I had never woken up in the first place. Being clean is something very important to me. I can go without pretty much anything at all, so long as I have a guaranteed warm shower every night. If I have everything but that shower, I spiral into an irrational mess. There's something soothing and healing about warm water on skin - it's cleansing to me and it's very important (and I honestly don't really know when this became something necessary for me to function properly but it did... oops - this is why I hate camping so much ... lol).

Anyway, I am doing a bit better now. I'm reminding myself that it isn't going to be like this always and that part of the problem with my freaking out is due to the medication I'm on for a recent flare I've had with rheumatoid arthritis - it puts my emotions out of whack. I need to start thinking of it like an adventure - a rather morbid adventure, but an adventure nonetheless. And our house hasn't flooded and my family are all safe and ok. Plus, we have LOTS of water around us;  hopefully this means we won't have a massive drought again this summer. Apparently the snowpack was 122% this year, and with the ridiculous weather we've been having, it all melted super fast and led to flash flooding. 

We're really blessed to have caught it before it destroyed more than our water main and dam. Others haven't been so lucky - I've seen news reports of people's businesses under a meter of water, basements flooding out, sewage systems backing up, and one town 30min away is under a state of emergency because almost the whole town is under several inches of water. It's ridiculous. It's never been this bad before. 

So, that being said - with so many other people dealing with much worse situations that I am, I can manage. I have so much to be thankful for - it's just my irrational brain bypassing states of logic to jump to conclusions and freak me out. I'm taking the time to focus on being calm, rational, and understanding. Sometimes things get out of control and chaotic - in those moments, the best we can do is quiet our raging emotions and trust in God to provide and take care of what we can't control. I can't control the weather - I can't control the damage water can do to things, but I can trust in God to provide and take care of us. Yes, I have to move outside my comfort zone and recognize that things simply can't be done the way they've always been done because of the changes this situation has made, but things can be done a different way. I just need to be open minded and not so stingy. 

*breathes out* That was a messy rant. I hope you guys understand (if you've bothered to read the whole thing). I don't want to make excuses for the way I feel and think, but (I know - you hate but's, they always mean someone is about to contradict themselves *throws hands in air*).. but I can't help that it is a reality and something I'm just trying to deal with. 

I guess the moral of this story is - yes, sometimes we have feelings that get out of control. Yes, we can do some things to manage those feelings, although it doesn't guarantee they'll go away. In the end, God is in control and we need to trust Him. In the midst of chaos, He is our resting place. 

Signed with a muddy branch, 



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