Saturday, June 24, 2017

Days Full of Sunshine

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A lot of my mornings start with grey clouds and grumpy frowns. I'm not a morning person if I have to get up and go at the drop of a hat. I much prefer to take them slow, like drinking dark coffee in a cafe kind of slow. I wish I could spend every day lounging for an hour in the early sunshine, letting my skin mediate between me and the world before I run off. I don't always have that luxury and I grouch about it. 

Today was a little different. Saturdays usually are though. I spent my morning hours sipping coffee, eating pecan pralines, and reading If You Feel Too Much by Jamie Tworkowski. In the sunshine. It was perfect. I was happy and yawning, surrounded by beautiful prose and the heart of a person like me. I felt my eyes well up a few times at the simple beauty of it all.

What if we all stopped a moment to love a little deeper. What if we were honest with each other about our pain and purpose; our questions and our answers. I have so many questions that have never been answered, and I have so many answers that don't fit my questions. I have a heart heavy with pain and awkward joy; somber dark honey - a cloud of hope behind the darkness. Sometimes I prefer the silence and seclusion of my mind to the noisy cacophony of people, but I still crave to be known and loved. I want to spill my mind and heart and be vulnerable and open, but I cringe at the risk of it all. Most of the time I hide behind my smiles, waiting and wondering at the future and the present. Wishing for a moment of laughter that will overcome every fear and paralyzing doubt.

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Being alone with myself and being okay with it is a lovely thing. People exhaust me (I exhaust me). But people feel what I feel and want to be loved the way I do - we are connected by our similar struggles and battles. So, part of me wants to reach out and love them through the exhaustion, because they deserve to be loved. They deserve to be reached and understood. I don't want others to feel what I've felt before, to be alone and hurting and shunned by the world because they don't quite understand. 

If you're reading this today and you feel lost and struck by the weight of what you carry, please reach out and talk to someone. We aren't made to go through life alone. We're made for community and compassion; we're built to help carry each other's burdens. I know it doesn't seem that way, that the road seems incredibly dark and silent, but the people around you (even if they aren't in your circumstance and even if they've never experienced what you have) they can relate and support you. 

And if you are someone who doesn't feel that weight, reach out and love someone who does. Touch everyone around you with your joy and hope, set out your care like a salesman and sell it for free. Be persistent - go door to door through the hearts you cross and love them. If only more people loved boldly, perhaps the world would be a softer place. 

Signed with navy blue sparkles, 
Squeaks. 

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